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Elusive Creature by ~Nynae:iconNynae:



She had caught it,
that graceful lunar creature,
the cozy, warm surrender,
midnight’s finest feature.

But it was restless tonight,
or else had better plans.
For off it flitted through the skies,
leaving sad and empty hands.

Twice the old grandfather clock spoke,
his voice low and hollow.
"Sweet dreams," he called, unaware.
Her resentment was hard to swallow.

Night’s sky was full of moon and stars;
she gazed pleadingly at their bright faces.
Every one twinkled coldly back,
they would not share their graces.

Not a sound but the whisper of bat wings,
the muffled song of grandfather clock.
For all the world slept, while she...
simply did not.

"Damn you," she told the chipper song birds
giving grey dawn her rightful praise.
She willed the sun back to it’s bed;
it so cheerfully stayed.

Sun's golden rays left gentle kisses
upon her furrowed brow.
And in her heart she sang along...
begrudgingly anyhow.
©2008-2009 ~Nynae
:iconnynae:

Author's Comments

A vast improvement on the original, I think, but there is great room for improvement as always. Please give any sort of criticism.

The original is here [link]

This isn't necessarily where I want to go with my poetry in general (I want to be more subtle with my imagery and so on) but I have a special fondness for the last stanza.

Comments


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:iconvingilote:
I like the description of the grandfather clock quite a lot- and I can definitely understand why you're attached to the last stanza! It's beautiful :)
:iconnynae:
Aww! Thank you, lovely! Any thoughts for improvement?

--
"The idea that counts in science must lead to fruitful work, not only to speculation that does not engender empirical test, no matter how much it stretches the mind."

~ Stephen J. Gould
:iconvingilote:
I probably do! Waiting for the brain to work again :)
:iconnynae:
You know, brains never work when you want them to. I find this to be very frustrating.

--
"The idea that counts in science must lead to fruitful work, not only to speculation that does not engender empirical test, no matter how much it stretches the mind."

~ Stephen J. Gould
:iconvingilote:
I know! And then I say things like, "Excuse me, could you wait a while? My brain is not working," people look at me strangely :(
:iconnynae:
Only because they're surprised that your brain works like theirs!

--
"The idea that counts in science must lead to fruitful work, not only to speculation that does not engender empirical test, no matter how much it stretches the mind."

~ Stephen J. Gould
:icononebardmojo:
There is a lot of feeling to this. I really like it.

--
Love is stronger than death. (Robert Fulghum)

Details

May 7, 2008
1.2 KB

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